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The Haircut Progress Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel... this is the promised land." Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land! Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about the Health Care Plan, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. I got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal... They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck!
Letter from Grandpa -
priceless 
PHONE CALL  Cutting Out the Middleman I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.... Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? " She replied,
"I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed. I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Barack Jokes Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes? A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn’t think they're jokes. Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment? A: It stands between him and the First. Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp? A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish. Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama? A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth. Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society, the other one is for prisoners. Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer? A: The pizza can feed a family of four. Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama? A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African. Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved? A: America!! Q. What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress? A. An Obama nation. Q. What's the difference between Obama and Hitler? A. Hitler wrote his own book. Q. What's another difference between Obama and Hitler? A. Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country. Q. Why doesn't Obama pray? A. It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed. Barack Obama: "He has what it takes, to take what you've got!" Barack Obama's campaign slogan, "Yes we can" has become, "Yes you will!" Obama doesn't want terrorists tortured. He wants American taxpayers tortured instead. No one wants to see GM's new convertible, the Pelosi, with its top down! The liberals have asked us to give Obama time. Would...25 to life be appropriate? A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Saturns, and I voted for Obama. How's that for picking lemons?" NBC is 'New Barack Channel' ABC is 'Another Barack Channel' MSNBC is 'My Seriously New Barack Channel' Gubmint and How Gubmint Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So They created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer. Then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one Year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman. Butch the Rooster John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? And that, children, is your conservative lesson for the day!!
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed. If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't` eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone. If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. If a liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully, blame the threat on someone else, and still look good. If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect. If a person of color is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection. If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him. If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down. If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!) If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his. If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed. If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues. If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A liberal will delete it because he's "offended". The Audacity of Unawareness Barack Obama, through his spokesman, claimed that he was unaware of the tax day tea parties. But how out of touch is the Community Organizer in Chief, really? This much. - He was unaware that he was attending a church (for 20 years) with a racist pastor who hates America. - He was unaware that he was family friends with and started his political career in the living room of a domestic terrorist. - He was unaware that he had invested in two speculative companies backed by some of his top donors right after taking office in 2005. - He was unaware that his own aunt was living in the U.S. illegally. - He was unaware that his own brother lives on pennies a day in a hut in Kenya. - He was unaware of the AIG bonuses that he and his administration approved and signed into a bill. - He was unaware that the man he nominated to be his Secretary of Commerce was under investigation in a bribery scandal. - He was unaware that the man he nominated to be his Secretary of Health and Human Services was a tax cheat. - He was unaware that the man he nominated to be his Secretary of the Treasury was a tax cheat. - He was unaware that the man he nominated to be the U.S. Trade Representative was a tax cheat. - He was unaware that the woman he nominated to be his Chief Performance Officer was a tax cheat. - He was unaware that the man he nominated to be #2 at the Environmental Protection Agency was under investigation for mismanaging $25 million in EPA grants. For the love of God, there are people in comas that are more aware of world affairs than this smooth talking, village idiot. Ice Cream We are worried about "the cow" when it is all about the "ice cream". The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year. The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president.. We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote. To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot. The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had never seen Olivia's mother. The day arrived when they were to make their speeches. Jamie went first. He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best. Everyone applauded and he sat down. Now it was Olivia's turn to speak. Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down. The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream." She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it. She didn't know. The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream. Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a landslide. Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 52 percent of the people reacted like nine year olds. They want ice cream. The other 48 percent know they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess. Remember, the government cannot give anything to anyone that they have not first taken away from someone else! Let me get this straight. Obama's health care plan will be written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it and whose members will be exempt from it, signed by a president who smokes, funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that is broke. What could possibly go wrong? Obama's First Six Months' Accomplishments 1. Offended the Queen of England. 2. Bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia. 3. Praised the Marxist Daniel Ortega. 4. Kissed Socialist Hugo Chavez on the cheek. 5. Endorsed the Socialist Evo Morales of Bolivia. 6. Sided with Hugo Chavez and Communist Fidel Castro against Honduras. 7. Announced we would meet with Iranians with no pre-conditions while they're building their nuclear weapons. 8. Gave away billions to AIG also without pre-conditions. 9. Expanded the bailouts. 10. Insulted everyone who has ever loved a Special Olympian. 11. Doubled our national debt. 12. Announced the termination of our new missile defense system the day after North Korea launched an ICBM. 13. Released information on U.S. Intelligence gathering despite urgings of his own CIA director and the prior four CIA directors. 14. Accepted without comment that five of his cabinet members cheated on their taxes and two other nominees withdrew after they couldn't take the heat. 15. Appointed a Homeland Security Chief who identified military veterans and abortion opponents as "dangers to the nation." 16. Ordered that the word "terrorism" no longer be used and instead refers to such acts as "man made disasters." 17. Circled the globe to publicly apologize for America's world leadership. 18. Told the Mexican president that the violence in their country was because of us. 19. Politicized the census by moving it into the White House from the Department of Commerce. 20. Appointed as Attorney General the man who orchestrated the forced removal and expulsion to Cuba of a 9-year-old whose mother died trying to bring him to freedom in the United States. 21. Salutes as heroes three Navy SEALS who took down three terrorists who threatened one American life and the next day announces members of the Bush administration may stand trial for "torturing" three 9/11 terrorists by pouring water up their noses. 22. Low altitude photo shoot of Air Force One over New York City that frightened thousands of New Yorkers. 23. Sent his National Defense Advisor to Europe to assure them that the US will no longer treat Israel in a special manner and they might be on their own with the Muslims. 24. Praised Jimmy Carter's trip to Gaza where he sided with terrorist Hamas against Israel. 25. Nationalized General Motors and Chrysler while turning shareholder control over to the unions and freezing out retired investors who owned their bonds. Committed unlimited taxpayer billions in the process. 26. Passed a huge energy tax in the House that will make American industry even less competitive while costing homeowners thousands per year. 27. Announced nationalized health care "reform" that will strip seniors of their Medicare, cut pay of physicians, increase taxes yet another $1 trillion, and put everyone on rationed care with government bureaucrats deciding who gets care and who doesn't. Bloomberg: Daschle says, "Health care reform will not be pain free. Seniors should be more accepting of the conditions that come with age instead of treating them," while former Colorado Governor Dick Lamm says seniors have "a duty to die." If this does not sufficiently raise your ire, just remember that the President, Senators and Congressmen have their own special gold plated health care plan which is guaranteed the remainder of their lives and they are not subject to this new law if they pass it. Please use the power of the Internet to get this message out. Talk it up at the grassroots level. We have an election coming up in one year and four months where we can reverse the dangerous direction of the Obama administration and its allies. If you disagree - do nothing. Cows and Calves
A cowboy named Bud
was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
Now give me back my dog. When I'm President I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed. 'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.' She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?' I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
"Wait a minute now, I didn't authorize ATTACKS on the Pirates, I authorized A TAX on the pirates" Obama's Pig Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir." The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi." The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir." A simple lesson in economics An
economics professor at Texas Tech said he had never failed a single student
before but had, once, failed an entire class. That class had insisted that
socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a
great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in
this class on socialism. The financial crisis explained in saloon terms.
Kelly is the proprietor of a saloon in St. Louis . In order to increase sales, he decides to allow his loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. He keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Kelly's Corner Saloon.
Taking advantage of his customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Kelly increases prices considerably. His sales dollar volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Kelly's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral. At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS... These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently fired of course due his negativity) at the bank decides that surely the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Kelly's saloon. However they cannot pay back the debts. Kelly cannot fulfill his loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.
The suppliers of Kelly's saloon, having granted him generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. His wine supplier claims bankruptcy; his beer supplier is taken over by a competitor. The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.
545 PEOPLE
She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget
they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if
they agree to do so. How many zeros in a billion.... At the rate our government is spending it. While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans .... It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division. Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu (D) is presently asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting number... what does it mean? A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of
New Orleans (every man,
woman, and child) you
each get
$516,528. Washington , D.C. Ottawa ON. HELLO!!! Are all your calculators broken?? Accounts Receivable Tax Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt... We had the largest middle class in the world... and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. Are liberals crazy? (c) 2008 WorldNetDaily
WASHINGTON - Just when liberals thought it was safe to start identifying themselves as such, an acclaimed, veteran psychiatrist is making the case that the ideology motivating them is actually a mental disorder. "Based on strikingly irrational beliefs and emotions, modern liberals relentlessly undermine the most important principles on which our freedoms were founded," says Dr. Lyle Rossiter, author of the new book, "The Liberal Mind: The Psychological Causes of Political Madness." "Like spoiled, angry children, they rebel against the normal responsibilities of adulthood and demand that a parental government meet their needs from cradle to grave." While political activists on the other side of the spectrum have made similar observations, Rossiter boasts professional credentials and a life virtually free of activism and links to "the vast right-wing conspiracy." For more than 35 years he has diagnosed and treated more than 1,500 patients as a board-certified clinical psychiatrist and examined more than 2,700 civil and criminal cases as a board-certified forensic psychiatrist. He received his medical and psychiatric training at the University of Chicago. Rossiter says the kind of liberalism being displayed by both Barack Obama and his Democratic primary opponent Hillary Clinton can only be understood as a psychological disorder. "A social scientist who understands human nature will not dismiss the vital roles of free choice, voluntary cooperation and moral integrity - as liberals do," he says. "A political leader who understands human nature will not ignore individual differences in talent, drive, personal appeal and work ethic, and then try to impose economic and social equality on the population - as liberals do. And a legislator who understands human nature will not create an environment of rules which over-regulates and over-taxes the nation's citizens, corrupts their character and reduces them to wards of the state - as liberals do." Dr. Rossiter says the liberal agenda preys on weakness and feelings of inferiority in the population by: creating and reinforcing perceptions of victimization; satisfying infantile claims to entitlement, indulgence and compensation; augmenting primitive feelings of envy; rejecting the sovereignty of the individual, subordinating him to the will of the government. "The roots of liberalism - and its associated madness - can be clearly identified by understanding how children develop from infancy to adulthood and how distorted development produces the irrational beliefs of the liberal mind," he says. "When the modern liberal mind whines about imaginary victims, rages against imaginary villains and seeks above all else to run the lives of persons competent to run their own lives, the neurosis of the liberal mind becomes painfully obvious." Quotes by Thomas Jefferson
When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe .
The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world. I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government. No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical. I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.
Explaining Our U.S. Tax System with Beer Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this: The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beers by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.' The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings). Each of the six was better off than before and the first four continued to drink for free, but once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right,"exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got TEN times more than I!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something very important....they didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill! And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.  Stock Market Terms for Today's Investor
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET
-- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a
financial genius. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-spouse and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have." Thomas Jefferson So....that's why they vote Democrat
I'm voting Democrat because I believe the
government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
Makes you wonder why people vote Republican?
An archeological team, digging in Washington DC , has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first Politician.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What
is Politics?'
Dear Boss,
Dog Poop I'm reminded of the time that Catherine - a little girl in our neighborhood - told me that she wanted to be President one day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us - and I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' Catherine replied - 'I would give houses to all the homeless people...' 'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there Catherine.' I told her (while both parents beamed), 'But, you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars . Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to save toward a new house.' Catherine (who was about 5) thought that over for a second, and then replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop himself, and you can pay him the $5 dollars.' Welcome to the Republican Party Catherine.....
Bird Feeder I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table ..everywhere! Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be.... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's see. Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop! Post Turtle While suturing
a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand A Harley rider is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says: "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really," said the biker. "I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What kind of motorcycle do you ride?"
Suppose
you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I
repeat myself.
Voters - this explains a lot about our country's troubles . . . .
We
contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man
standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
A
government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of
Paul.
A
liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he
proposes to pay off with your money.
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to
have for dinner.
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to
rich people in poor countries.
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at
the expense of everybody else.
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving,
subsidize it.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when
it's free.
If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want
government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government
to intervene everywhere, You're a moderate. If you don't want government
to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible
from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in
session.
The
government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end
and no responsibility at the other.
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist
leaves the skin.
There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500
employees and has the following statistics: --29 have been accused of spousal abuse --7 have been arrested for fraud --19 have been accused of writing bad checks --117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses --3 have done time for assault --71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit --14 have been arrested on drug-related charges --8 have been arrested for shoplifting --21 are currently defendants in lawsuits --84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress, the same
group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to
keep rest of us in line.
BILL
OF NON-RIGHTS The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President. "We the sensible people
of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive
behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and
establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden,
delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters.. We hold these truths to be
self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and
are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights." ARTICLE I: You do not have
the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power
to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have
the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means
freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel,
express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably
always will be. ARTICLE III: You do not have
the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to
be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your
relatives independently wealthy. ARTICLE IV: You do not have
the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to
be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary
of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional
couch potatoes. ARTICLE V: You do not have
the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public
housing, we're just not interested in public health care. ARTICLE VI: You do not have
the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry
in the electric chair. ARTICLE VII: You do not have
the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the
goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get
together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a
big screen color TV or a life of leisure. ARTICLE VIII: You do not have
the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help
you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the
opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make
yourself useful. ARTICLE IX: You do not have
the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by
an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by
the Bill of Rights. ARTICLE X: This is an English
speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language.
Learn it or go back to wherever you came from. (lastly...) ARTICLE XI: You do not have
the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded
on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in
any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The
phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are
uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!! While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating." "Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a liberal in the family before!" A Democrat Dies and Goes to Heaven While walking out of
Hillary Clinton's office one day an elected Democrat is tragically hit by an
ACLU truck full of creches, crosses, and Ten Commandment monuments, and dies. HOW THE ELEPHANT CAME TO SYMBOLIZE THE GOP
This
symbol of the party was born in the imagination of cartoonist Thomas Nast and
first appeared in Harper's Weekly on November 7, 1874.
An
1860 issue of Railsplitter and an 1872 cartoon in Harper's Weekly connected
elephants with Republicans, but it was Nast who provided the party with its
symbol.
Oddly,
two unconnected events led to the birth of the Republican Elephant. James Gordon
Bennett's New York Herald raised the cry of "Caesarism" in connection
with the possibility of a thirdterm try for President Ulysses S. Grant. The
issue was taken up by the Democratic politicians in 1874, halfway through
Grant's second term and just before the midterm elections, and helped disaffect
Republican voters.
While
the illustrated journals were depicting Grant wearing a crown, the Herald
involved itself in another circulation-builder in an entirely different,
nonpolitical area. This was the Central Park Menagerie Scare of 1874, a
delightful hoax perpetrated by the Herald. They ran a story, totally untrue,
that the animals in the zoo had broken loose and were roaming the wilds of New
York's Central Park in search of prey.
Cartoonist
Thomas Nast took the two examples of the Herald enterprise and put them together
in a cartoon for Harper's Weekly. He showed an ass (symbolizing the Herald)
wearing a lion's skin (the scary prospect of Caesarism) frightening away the
animals in the forest (Central Park). The caption quoted a familiar fable:
"An ass having put on a lion's skin roamed about in the forest and amused
himself by frightening all the foolish animals he met within his
wanderings."
One
of the foolish animals in the cartoon was an elephant, representing the
Republican vote - not the party, the Republican vote - which was being
frightened away from its normal ties by the phony scare of Caesarism. In a
subsequent cartoon on November 21, 1874, after the election in which the
Republicans did badly, Nast followed up the idea by showing the elephant in a
trap, illustrating the way the Republican vote had been decoyed from its normal
allegiance. Other cartoonists picked up the symbol, and the elephant soon ceased
to be the vote and became the party itself: the jackass, now referred to as the
donkey, made a natural transition from representing the Herald to representing
the Democratic party that had frightened the elephant. --From William Safire's New Language of Politics, Revised edition, Collier Books, New York, 1972
Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays. Tax his tractor, tax his mule, Teach him tax is the rule. Tax his cow, tax his goat, Tax his pants, tax his coat. Tax his ties, tax his shirts, Tax his work, tax his dirt. Tax his tobacco, tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think. Tax his booze, tax his beers, If he cries, tax his tears. Tax his bills, tax his gas, Tax his notes, tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, tax him more, Tax him until he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he lays. Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove me to my doom!" And when he's gone, we won't relax, We'll still be after the inheritance TAX Hey maybe you'll get a refund! Ha! Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax CDL license Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel permit tax Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon) Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money) Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax) IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Service charge taxes Social Security Tax Road usage taxes (Truckers) Sales Taxes Recreational Vehicle Tax School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone federal excise tax Telephone federal universal service fee tax Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax Telephone state and local tax Telephone usage charge tax Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened? Government happened!! THE WISDOM OF REAGAN
Here's my strategy on the Cold
War: We win, they lose." One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week" The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning When the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to Pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when The barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful." Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right. God & Balance Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?" "It's a planet, " replied God. "I've put Life on it. I'm going
to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance"
"Balance?" inquired Michael still confused. God explained, pointing to
different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of
great > opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over there I've
placed a continent of white people and there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things." God smiled. "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there!
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